niteo_nix | [Video] VI [Failed!Lock to Cross & Lavi]

[She's in the Church, only familiar thing really to her, and it's so very accidental, but she's just... staring listlessly at the alter, fingers fiddling with her device. Looking but not really seeing. It's meant to be private, but she's just not concentrating at all. Usually, she'd rather die then let people see weakness like this, but it's such an old fear and frustration that she hardly even stops to wipe away tears, let alone think. Not that she cried for much more then frustration most times, and certainly not since she lost the war with Mary of Guise.

This was frustration, and a great deal of fear too.

At the very least she's manages enough to make sure Lin can't see this, she refuses to give the woman that satisfaction most of all, and she wished she could slap her again. Nor does she even know how to ask this question, so she's just blunt about it.]

Tell me, when I return, if I ever leave this cursed, wretched place, am I to be executed? Is that why everyone remembers me so much?

[it clicks off]

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He is. Was even before he started ordering people to kill me, and declaring that I was a illegitimate whore, and that my subjects didn't have any business being loyal to me. [there's a frustrated growl to her words.]

... Having a husband of my own, ever having children. [because she does just want those things, simple really, in her fairy tales.] Sometimes I dream but... that's all they can ever be, a dream. [she thinks on Cross a little, but she pushes that aside quickly.]

Oh, very often. [there's a shaky laugh] But bad things, and men die for needless things, when I am not careful.

He has less power during my time. [ Thankfully. ]

Is it your choice, or a must? [ Personally she hasn't given much thought to husbands or children. ]

Same. [ People got hurt, and she hated seeing them hurt. ]

I'm glad. It goads him he has no power in England any more. I like to think I am reasonable, I have issues only with those that try to kill me. It just happens a lot of them a catholic. [she laughs dryly. Perhaps a trait of royalty. Her sense of humour was at the best of times, twisted.]

Both, and more then that besides. I won't marry a man who doesn't love me. Both as a woman, and as a Queen. I can't find a man who loves me, they just want to control me. Because women aren't supposed to be equals, we're supposed to submit... [her fingers curl up in agitation.] ... and would you want to be married when your mother was executed for failing as a wife? Your elder and most beloved cousin too? Perhaps I could be divorced and humiliated like my lady of Cleves? Or die in child bed. [shudder] Or worst then all that, go mad like my sister did, as well as losing the love of the people for marrying the wrong man who encouraged her to slaughter hundreds... No. It scares me, to risk so much in the hope of an heir... my loyalty is to my people, as it ever has been. That is the only thing I can afford to love any more. [Elizabeth had, and she wanted it still, because she was a daughter of her time, and marriage was so important for women.]

[She gave a fond kiss to Lenalee's head, just lightly.] It's a awful thing, to never let yourself be free with your affections and actions. I hope you find some respite. You are so young...

He enjoys his power too much sometimes. I guess too much pride. [ And pride goes before a fall.

Things on marriage, she has little knowledge of. Beyond her brother's worst fears.

Moreover, it tied a person down to certain obligations that she didn't know if she could fulfill or not. ] It's not a bad thing to love, your people. [ Love has far too many forms, but surely the love Lenalee has for home is like the love Elizabeth has for her people. Maybe even more because she is loving people she does not personally know. That takes a lot, doesn't it? ]

Ah... [ Soft laughter. ] There isn't really anyone. [ A few childish crushes here and there that passed by quickly, but no one she had her heart set on. ] Or if there is, I haven't realised it yet

It's a common enough. The Pope is as good as any prince in my own time, for the power he holds. More then that, a prince rules his people, a religious leader rules their hearts, their hopes, their fears. There is a difference between simply following, and believing.

[she nods.] I know it is not. But I hate feeling trapped. Sadly, this is a cage I have to willingly submit to. [To constantly embrace the people that may even now resent her. That they have justice as much as any man. That was the love of a King was, or at least should be.

It was the only thing Elizabeth truly never would speak of, no one should ever know how exhausting it was.]

That's fair enough, I was very much in love with my childhood friend. I though it was just a crush for awhile as well. Some things take their time to bloom.

That's why he's so influential. [ And dangerous. ]

Maybe the cage could be made bigger... [ Being a ruler is a lot of sacrifice on the ruler's part. ]

Mhm... [ If only she had the time to think about love. Maybe in a few years? Exorcists didn't ever seem to talk about marriage or even dating (Cross didn't count). ]

If I do the same, I will be untouchable. Well, in a manor of speaking. [very dangerous, when you held sway over men's hearts.]

Not I think, ever big enough. It is still a cage, if it is made of silver and gold. [she shrugs,]

[No she was beginning to realise Cross wasn't very much like the rest of you.]

[ Lenalee nods, and goes quiet for a while, to think.

She finally does speak. ] I think your country in the best hands it could possibly be in--yours. [ Going back to the original topic. ]

[She smiles, tiredly, but it is a smile.]

I'm glad you think so, I hope so. More then anything.

[Video] VI [Failed!Lock to Cross & Lavi]

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