Chapter Thirty [Memory; Action]

[historyrabbit]

The memory that plays out is vivid, full of details. The gift and the curse that is a Bookman's memory.

Staring up at a ceiling is one Bookman Junior, years younger with a uniform he doesn't even have anymore. An orange scarf so tattered that it's amazing it's still holding together. He's resting after getting back from a mission, wondering why it feels like that one made more of an imprint on him than any before.

Was it Doug? A Finder who had said Lavi's eye was like glass but had finally changed to something warmer.

Was it Celeste? The little girl who found herself wrapped up in the mission without knowing and had made a connection with both Doug and Lavi.

Or even still, was it the realization that he had a home to come back to for once. A term as foreign as it was familiar but it had never once applied to him. Lavi thought of the Order and he had a warmth in his chest as he thought about the various people who lived here with him. Doug, the old man, Lenalee, Kanda, Komui, Reever and Johnny and the others. He felt as if he belonged here.

And now he was just waiting for Doug to come home, his first friend. Doug had stayed behind in the town of Elysee to give a gift to Colette and make living arrangements for the young orphan. He was eager to know how the little girl reacted even if she never did call Lavi by his name.




Suddenly screams of terror an pain from the halls nearby rouse him from his bed. Lavi all but falls over himself trying to get out there with Innocence in hand, wondering what it was that could have caused the yells. Only...

Once he gets there he finds a number of Finders, all of them dead and impaled in the same fashion as those attacked by the Akuma in Elysee. Confusion clouds his thoughts, he got rid of that Akuma, he knows that he did. One of the men in the pile stirs, not quite dead and Lavi leaps to his side, kneeling.

"What happened here? Who did this?" An Akuma couldn't have gotten inside the Order, could it? There was the main gate that was able to detect Akuma and no one knew about the underground entrance via the river except Finders and Exorcists. He couldn't imagine one of them giving up that information even under duress.

"Do-Doug..." The Finder points down the hall in the direction that Lavi's friend had gone before succumbing to his injuries. Gritting his teeth Lavi gets up and follows after the young Finder, finally finding him. Only Doug isn't as the redhead left him.

Doug's eyes, once full of light and life are now dulled and darkened in a way that even Lavi's hadn't been. Eyes so dark they could only belong to an Akuma. Doug wasn't alone, a golem of the Millennium Earl's, Dobi, accompanies him in order to send a message to the Earl of the entrance's location. It's from Dobi that Lavi learns that Serge, owner of the diamond that was part of the fight in Elysee and former employer of Colette, thought the young girl had stolen it and strangled her to death. Doug had been so heartbroken when he found her body that he gave in to the Earl's wicked way of tricking mourners into bringing back their loved ones.

Doug had called back Colette's soul to the skeletal machine and Colette, under instruction of the Earl, killed Doug and put on his skin. A skin now transformed into a level-two Akuma, ready to attack and kill Lavi as it had the Finders in the hall.

Lavi hesitates in his grief for his friend - how could he kill Doug? - and is hit by one of the Akuma's attacks in the narrow hallway. He snaps out of his daze slowly, defending at first to keep from becoming injured even more. And then after he gathers enough strength, enough determination to do this horrible act, Lavi has tears in his eye as he ends Doug and Colette's existence.

He hears the old man's voice in the background, turning to look at a short man with a mostly bald head save for a long ponytail in the center and huge circles of kohl around his eyes. Bookman. Congratulating him on a job well done.

Inside Lavi didn't feel like being congratulated. Inside it felt as if his heart were breaking. But he couldn't show his grief, to do so would show to his mentor that he was growing a heart.

He must never grow a heart.

---

[Those that try to find Lavi after such a vivid memory won't find him in his room, won't find him where his projects are, won't find him anywhere near the apartment building at all. Even injured as he is from his trip home the only place the redhead will be found is a place that only one remaining person knows about. One of the ruined train cars that still has a roof, a place that he hid out months ago, if not more than a year ago.

He sits there huddled up on a mostly preserved bench seat under a protected part of the roof, it still had holes in it in places, with a supply of food and drink, his pillow and blanket. Perhaps he was running but he didn't care.]

Comments

[action]

[beanstalk]

[Do expect Kanda to be coming by that run down train, bringing a container of hot soup with him, even if Lavi already has food for himself. Sometimes warm food just helps.

When he arrives at the train, he gives a knock to the metal frame before poking his head in the door.]

Hey.

[action]

[historyrabbit]

[Warm food will be most welcome, he's only got cold-stuffs and something warm would be comforting right now. It's something that he needs and honestly it'll surprise him that Kanda thought of it.

Lavi lifts his head at the knock, tense but then relaxing a little when he sees who it is.] ...Hey.

[action]

[beanstalk]

[Hey, what are friends for? Kanda holds out the container for Lavi to take as he moves into the train to take a seat.

Even if Kanda's experience was different he knows what it's like to fight someone you love who's been turned into an Akuma, even if he didn't completely kill Alma. But the feeling's pretty much the same.

But Kanda doesn't ask Lavi if he's okay - he knows that the rabbit isn't. Still, Kanda's there, offering his silent company once more to the redhead. He won't push the other to talk if he doesn't want to. In fact, after the container's either taken by Lavi or put down, Kanda's simply readjusting his coat to cover himself better as he crosses one leg over the other.]

It's hot tomato soup. [A simple statement, nodding toward the container. But he doesn't comment on how he figured Lavi would need something like that considering the weather; that would be something Allen would do.]

[action]

[historyrabbit]

[He takes it and just holds on to it for a little bit. He's been out here long enough that his nose is pink and so are the tips of his fingers. Not quite numb but they'll get there.

Lavi can't say that this is his favorite play week so far. It sits up there with the rest of the ones that bared his soul to points that it should never be. He hadn't shared those things with anyone so why should Libitina decide what they got to see.

No, he's not okay. But if anyone asks him he'll lie through his teeth with that mask of a smile and pretend. Because it's not alright. It's never alright to kill your friends. Even if you have to because they've become something so hideous, something they've sworn that they would never do upon joining the Order, because they know what will happen when they do. He feels as if he could succumb to the same grief back then that Doug fell to for Colette.

That's how much it still haunts him.

Lavi keeps looking down at the container.] Any chance there's crackers?

["Why aren't you angry?"]

[action]

[beanstalk]

[They should get you somewhere warm soon. Or at least bring out of their buckets and start a fire or something. They last they need is someone to get a cold (again).

It's not Kanda's either, he hates the invasive stuff. But unfortunately Libitina is Libitina and she usually does what she wants, whether it affects her or not.

Of course. Kanda's the same way, though his mask is more tsun and distant. But it has its moments of not working, especially when Lavi or Alma or Cross points it out. It's definitely not okay and not fair to do things that they've had to do, because they're Exorcists. He still blames himself a little for Alma turning into an akuma even though Allen's told him it wasn't his fault, that the Order did it to him.

(The Order wouldn't have needed to do that to Alma if they didn't fuck shit up, though.)

But all they can do now is try to move on, try to keep on walking like the soldiers they are.

Kanda's digging in his coat pocket and pulling out a small package of crackers, handing it over.] It's not much, but hopefully it's enough.

[He's not hungry. Ate a little earlier.]

[Video]

[chrysalis_ex]

Lavi?

[ Oh Lavi where did you go. She holds the device in one hand and swings the other as she walks about. No one answered at his door, and he's not in his usual places.

These stupid memories...why... ]

voice;

[historyrabbit]

[Sorry, Lenalee, he doesn't want to give away where he is.]

Yeah?

voice;

[chrysalis_ex]

[ She gets the feeling, but she still wants to try.

Honestly, why were all of her friends so bad at this...

It's not like she would think any less of them.

For moment she says nothing. Then: ] Are you somewhere out of the cold? [ At least that. If he were outside then she'd be more pressing in asking for a location. ]

voice;

[historyrabbit]

[It's not that she'd think less of him for it. He just never got the chance to take care of things after what happened. He had to go to Rewinding Town to aid you and Allen.]

And out of the wind. Promise.

voice;

[chrysalis_ex]

[ Oh Lavi. And she never knew about it because of the rush of all the events... ]

Good.

...

Can I see you tomorrow? [ Please? ]

[Action]

[azrthmtrnznthos]

[Well, at first Raven checked Lavi's usual haunts--but with no luck, she went back to the Apartment building. Bundling herself up, and heading to the roof, before sinking into meditation. Gently seeking with Empathy for the presence that is "Lavi"--the barest barest of feelings that identifies a person, without prying deeper. He's still injured, and that was not something he'd have wanted to share--but he should not be alone.

Thus as soon as she can find him, she'll be making her way that way.]

[Action]

[historyrabbit]

[He figured she'd be on her way, which is why his mind is so very closed off at the moment. Just enough to let her know that he was fine. But he does want to be alone.

He's dealt with this once and he's able to do it again.]

Re: [Action]

[azrthmtrnznthos]

[Well...sorry, he's not getting that 'alone' bit. Not right away anyways, even as she homes in on his 'signal' as it were. Knocking, and calling gently, after finally finding the location and getting there.]

...I'm here if you want to talk, now or later. Let me make sure you're healing fine, and then I'll head out again, alright?

[She can get the vibes of 'alone-please', but she's going to check on him anyways. He IS still healing.]

[Action]

[historyrabbit]

[She probably won't hear his snort.]

I'm fine, made sure not to strain anything getting here.

[He appreciates it, he does, that he has people here that care about him and his well-being. But this is his own ghost to deal with. One that he didn't really get a chance to deal with.]

Re: [Action]

[azrthmtrnznthos]

...I'd still like to look you over, to be sure. That's all, and then I'll go back and leave you alone until you're ready for people again.

[Yes, she is worried. And she does care. A lot--Lavi is one of the closest people she has.]

[and_above_all]

[Kiriko did not come from a place with monsters or transformations. In his world battles were fought only between men, which he knew was equally horrible. When a soldier thought he had seen it all, the depths to which men would sink would deepen.

He knew this could easily happen to him. Though, perhaps not exactly as it did for Lavi. He hopes... he never has... to kill his own friends. Though he knows the possibility exists.

Just, God... He can't imagine.

He doesn't know what to say. There probably is nothing he can say. And his input on Lavi's private memory probably isn't wanted.

But he wants to send something, even if it goes unread. So Lavi knows no one thinks ill of him, how much everyone is grateful to have him around...]


Please take care.

We are here for you, like you have been here for us.

[historyrabbit]

[It's not so much as anyone hating him as it is not having the time to deal with it when it happened. He was sent off on a mission soon after.]

Thank you, Kiriko. I'll be fine and be back soon.

voice

[alma_karma]

[That young Lavi can't shed any tears, but Alma can do it for him. It's shocking to see the replay of this terrible experience, an experience worse than any of the synchro testing as far as Alma is concerned, and one that the boy is glad he never had to have. As much as he's always wanted to help, always wanted to defend those who might need him and fight off the darkness like he was made to... exorcists walk a terrible line. A line that even Alma recognizes.

Alma responds some time later, doing his best to keep the thickness out of his voice after his bout of crying.]

... It's okay to be sad.

voice

[historyrabbit]

[And for Lavi it's quite the opposite. He can't imagine the pain that Alma or even Lenalee went through when they were forcing Innocence and compatible users to try and synchronize. But he's made his own bed and he's had to lay in it for years now, as much as he's hated to. Life isn't precious to a Bookman, it's just ink on the page as Doug should have been. To Lavi he won't ever be ink.]

It was a long time ago, I'm not sad anymore. [Lies.]

Re: voice

[alma_karma]

[He sees your lies, Lavi, mostly because you've made it so he can't see you.]

Yes you are.

voice

[historyrabbit]

I'm not supposed to. Still not supposed to.

action;

[onemistress]

[The likely hood of him not being there is a high one, he liked to hide as much as she did.

So she wasn't surprised when there was no answer. Nor would she go hunting for him, truthfully she had little enough to say. It was... becoming clear he wanted space, for whatever reason. Instead she got a bit of Rosemary (for remembrance, because someone always had to remember these things) and tied it up in a ribbon, as close a green to his eyes as she found find, tying it around his door handle.

He'd find it, whenever he came back.]

action;

[historyrabbit]

[He always remembered anyway. His curse. The reason why it was so vivid.

He'd rather take the rosemary's symbolism for Doug just being remembered.]

action;

[onemistress]

[that's what it's meant to mean, remembrance for the dead, for the grief of those lost. Even if those meanings are lost.]

action;

[historyrabbit]

[Memory itself was just a horrible thing for him.]