niteo_nix | Chapter Thirty [Memory; Action]

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Chapter Thirty [Memory; Action]

The memory that plays out is vivid, full of details. The gift and the curse that is a Bookman's memory.

Staring up at a ceiling is one Bookman Junior, years younger with a uniform he doesn't even have anymore. An orange scarf so tattered that it's amazing it's still holding together. He's resting after getting back from a mission, wondering why it feels like that one made more of an imprint on him than any before.

Was it Doug? A Finder who had said Lavi's eye was like glass but had finally changed to something warmer.

Was it Celeste? The little girl who found herself wrapped up in the mission without knowing and had made a connection with both Doug and Lavi.

Or even still, was it the realization that he had a home to come back to for once. A term as foreign as it was familiar but it had never once applied to him. Lavi thought of the Order and he had a warmth in his chest as he thought about the various people who lived here with him. Doug, the old man, Lenalee, Kanda, Komui, Reever and Johnny and the others. He felt as if he belonged here.

And now he was just waiting for Doug to come home, his first friend. Doug had stayed behind in the town of Elysee to give a gift to Colette and make living arrangements for the young orphan. He was eager to know how the little girl reacted even if she never did call Lavi by his name.

Suddenly screams of terror an pain from the halls nearby rouse him from his bed. Lavi all but falls over himself trying to get out there with Innocence in hand, wondering what it was that could have caused the yells. Only...

Once he gets there he finds a number of Finders, all of them dead and impaled in the same fashion as those attacked by the Akuma in Elysee. Confusion clouds his thoughts, he got rid of that Akuma, he knows that he did. One of the men in the pile stirs, not quite dead and Lavi leaps to his side, kneeling.

"What happened here? Who did this?" An Akuma couldn't have gotten inside the Order, could it? There was the main gate that was able to detect Akuma and no one knew about the underground entrance via the river except Finders and Exorcists. He couldn't imagine one of them giving up that information even under duress.

"Do-Doug..." The Finder points down the hall in the direction that Lavi's friend had gone before succumbing to his injuries. Gritting his teeth Lavi gets up and follows after the young Finder, finally finding him. Only Doug isn't as the redhead left him.

Doug's eyes, once full of light and life are now dulled and darkened in a way that even Lavi's hadn't been. Eyes so dark they could only belong to an Akuma. Doug wasn't alone, a golem of the Millennium Earl's, Dobi, accompanies him in order to send a message to the Earl of the entrance's location. It's from Dobi that Lavi learns that Serge, owner of the diamond that was part of the fight in Elysee and former employer of Colette, thought the young girl had stolen it and strangled her to death. Doug had been so heartbroken when he found her body that he gave in to the Earl's wicked way of tricking mourners into bringing back their loved ones.

Doug had called back Colette's soul to the skeletal machine and Colette, under instruction of the Earl, killed Doug and put on his skin. A skin now transformed into a level-two Akuma, ready to attack and kill Lavi as it had the Finders in the hall.

Lavi hesitates in his grief for his friend - how could he kill Doug? - and is hit by one of the Akuma's attacks in the narrow hallway. He snaps out of his daze slowly, defending at first to keep from becoming injured even more. And then after he gathers enough strength, enough determination to do this horrible act, Lavi has tears in his eye as he ends Doug and Colette's existence.

He hears the old man's voice in the background, turning to look at a short man with a mostly bald head save for a long ponytail in the center and huge circles of kohl around his eyes. Bookman. Congratulating him on a job well done.

Inside Lavi didn't feel like being congratulated. Inside it felt as if his heart were breaking. But he couldn't show his grief, to do so would show to his mentor that he was growing a heart.

He must never grow a heart.

---

[Those that try to find Lavi after such a vivid memory won't find him in his room, won't find him where his projects are, won't find him anywhere near the apartment building at all. Even injured as he is from his trip home the only place the redhead will be found is a place that only one remaining person knows about. One of the ruined train cars that still has a roof, a place that he hid out months ago, if not more than a year ago.

He sits there huddled up on a mostly preserved bench seat under a protected part of the roof, it still had holes in it in places, with a supply of food and drink, his pillow and blanket. Perhaps he was running but he didn't care.]

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[No, he's fine. He's got some more blankets hidden away to hide in but for now he wants the numbing cold. At least a little bit.

At least she got a taste of it as well.

Lavi's mask has been perfected over the years, it doesn't slip. It shouldn't. But he can't even pull together the energy to wear it right now. Not that it matters when his face is so blank anyway. He can't muster any sort of emotional expression right now.

(The Order shouldn't have done a number of things. But they did.)

The thing is...Lavi's not a soldier, he wasn't raised to be one. Just shoved in this mess like he should be able to pick it up easily. He reaches out and takes the crackers, setting them on top of the lid.]

It'll do.

[You need to come back sometime, though. Can't hide away in the train forever.

At least. Little victories.

Just numb, huh? Not always the best thing to be, either. Kanda would know.

(Desperate people do the most stupid things that come back to bite them in the ass. It's why they're losing.)

Lavi might not have been raised to be one like he was, but he's still one in a sense. No one chooses to be one, not in their world.

Kanda gives a nod at that, leaning back against the wall of the train and closing his eyes. Silent company time is go.]

[He won't stay here forever, no, just for...a few days.

Numb enough that he can sort through the memory without having it hurt so.

(Just hit a rough patch.)

He could be a better one if he practiced more instead of sleeping.

Lavi fingers the cracker package, closing his eye and thinking back on that day. If there had been anything different that he could have done. If he should have explained to Serge what happened to the stone...]

[If a few days is what you need, you know he'll give it to you.

You don't need to sort through everything, Lavi. You don't need to wonder what could have been if X happened instead of Y. Don't do that to yourself.

Rest is important, too. Don't lose your routine even if it is mundane, it's something normal, too.

Watching Lavi for a moment.] Thinking about what ifs isn't going to make you feel any better.

[Lavi's so thankful they've gotten past the whole "kill idiot rabbit" thing. He doesn't know what he'd do without your friendship right now.

He does. Because sorting through it will help him stop grieving, it'll become just a situation where what he did failed. And there were steps that he can take in the future to avoid it. He'll notice them next time around.

It'll be lost for a few days while he deals with this.] They just make you feel guiltier for surviving.

[Can probably thank all the time he's spent with Allen and Alma before anyone else came too, it helped mellow him out a little before Lavi came back. And hey, it's the least he can do after all the times Lavi's been there to pull him back up whenever he's been down.

It's not just a situation, though. Lavi couldn't help what Doug was feeling when things with south, he couldn't help that he gave into the Earl and called the soul back. Lavi savedboth souls by killing the akuma, even if there were some casualties. So don't beat yourself up over it, Lavi.

And Kanda will be around when needed. Always.] Not...always. Just don't beat yourself up over it, Lavi. We can't change the past.

[Allen definitely helps and so does having Alma around, Kanda has to watch his temper and his words more and he does very well at it. Plus being away from home - at least their home - can mellow anyone out. Tyki wasn't all that bad near the end, though Lavi generally stayed away from him in the first place.

No, but he could have helped before things went south, before Celeste was wrongfully murdered. And as Allen tells it, they're not saving the souls, they're killing them too. His sword sets them free, not their Innocence. He'll always beat himself up over it, he killed his friend after all. Even if he had to it's not something that's easy to live with.

♥] I just want to know why he'd throw away his future like that? Knowing what he did...

[Funny thing is, Kanda's never really watched his language even while around Alma. But he's had to watch his temper, considering how long Rhode had been with them before. And Tyki...well, at least the last Tyki wasn't so bad, Kanda has to admit. ~~They might have sparred together a time or two.~~

Doing nothing doesn't save any soul. After he watched Alma died in his arms at home, Kanda's picked up a little on the belief that they're destroyers who save. It's something Allen had told him he wanted to be, way back during their first mission together. Kill the akuma, release both souls and allow them to pass and move on.

It isn't easy to live with, Kanda's lived with the thought that he had been the one to kill Alma for nine years, and he tried to do it again but Allen stopped him by paying a heavy price. It eats at you, sure, but it's something that had to be done. No way around it.]

Grief...is a tricky thing. Even if you know about the Earl, it doesn't exempt you from succumbing to it. Especially when you love someone.

[Okay, so maybe you keep the harsher words away from Alma. Maybe? Possibly? Don't make Lavi tell Lenalee on you and then gleefully watch as she washes your mouth out with soap.

Some how part of Lavi isn't sure which is the truth of the matter. The only thing they can do is ask Allen what he sees when they kill an Akuma. And the only way they can do that is have Allen show up. If he showed up...well, then Lavi and Kanda might not be willing to let him go.]

I don't think I want to love anyone that much.

[....Isn't it a few years too late to be asking this from Kanda? xD

Aha... Probably not, though Kanda'd probably feel more comfortable with just things being as normal as possible while they work to find a way out of here, together.

At that, though, Kanda can't help but give the quickest, weakest grin at that.] It's...not easy. [Shocking to hear that Kanda used to love someone that much, huh?]

[................Probably.

Things here were never normal, not the normal that they preferred but the normal they had become used to.

Lavi hugs himself tighter, hiding his face in the padded seat, voice hoarse with emotion.] I know...

[Given the memories he's not so sure but he's seen Kanda with Alma. And with Lenalee and Allen. Even himself and Cross. The swordsman loves probably deeper than most but he doesn't show it because that's not who he is. To show that love would be to show a weakness that he can't help but try to protect when threatened.

No, Kanda loves the most out of them all.]

[:D

That's what the normal they were used to going through at home has become more important here. Because it's a little piece of home.

Funny how someone would come to that conclusion, considering how much of an ass he is, how secretive he is and how much he used (and kind of still does) keep people away at a distance. And even went as far as threatening bodily harm, even if it was (mostly) an empty threat.

But he did try to protect Alma a lot while Rhode was here, and Rhode used that against him and always provoked him, and it worked. Practically every single time.]

[Perhaps Lavi has more insight of his friend than originally thought. That aside Kanda does tend to love or show he cares in rougher ways. Why not just use that to hide his true feelings, Lavi can tell when he's truly angry anymore anyway.

Lavi gets up and moves over to sit next to Kanda, leaving his soup and crackers on his seat.]

[He probably should. Probably only does that with Cross now without even realizing it.

Kanda looks up when Lavi moves to sit next to him, watching the rabbit curiously.]

[Just sitting here. It's warmer this way and Lavi offers Kanda one of his blankets. And by "offers" I mean he just kinda drapes it over Kanda's lap. Without asking. Have a rabbit's warmth.]

[Kanda gives the softest snorts and just leans back against the car wall. A rabbit's warmth with some silent company.]

[Lavi follows him in leaning back, burying his hands in his own blanket. Leave'em?]

[Leave 'em!]

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Chapter Thirty [Memory; Action]

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